Wednesday, 2 November 2016

This Is Where I'm At | November

someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull

I don't really know where October went.

What did I read? Barely anything. Where did I go? There and back again. What did I learn? I'm still processing it.

I'm adjusting. I'm still adjusting to this place, adjusting to my job, adjusting to impending darkness. Y'know - winter.

I had never been awake when the clocks go back before. But this year was the year, making a late night drive through rusty Sussex roads and about to skip the news bulletin when the nocturnal newsreader said it's one o'clock. Although the moving around of daylight bothers me more than I care to admit, I do like the idea of realising the whole clock concept isn't really working for you as a nation in summer, so you just change it. Simple.

Anyway, there I am, absolutely blaring eighties power ballads and reflecting on a beautiful play that I'd seen earlier in the evening (Beacons by Tabitha Mortiboy starring my friend Sam) when I notice these shapes at the side of the road. It was foggy so I was driving really slowly with foglights on, no other cars around, and I realise these groups of shapes are rabbits. Rabbits! If you shine a bright light at a rabbit, they stand there and stare at the light instead of running away. Little taxidermy statues. When I was growing up, I refused curtains and liked to stargaze from my pillow. My bedroom looked out on to a vast field, bordered by another smaller field, which eventually gave way to a windy back road. Sometimes, some ghost car with its headlights turned off would make a midnight trundle along that road and then a sadistic passenger would shine an unbelievably powerful torch out the window and 'lamp' the rabbits in the field before shooting them.

That's a morbid memory, but my bedroom would light up every time. Fight or flight, fight or flight, fight or flight.

Here are some things I've been proud of myself for over the past few days:
- Making myself lunch to bring to work every day, even when I'm tired and making dinner is a chore in itself. Healthy, filling lunches full of colour and packed in a bright blue tub.
- Choosing water over caffeine.
- Being honest with myself and with a couple of understanding friends that my mental health isn't perfect this week.

And admitting that here is also a good thing, I think. I'm not used to being unable to drive to see my parents on the weekends when Bry is away on long trips. I'm not used to being away from my house for 12 hours a day. I'm feeling it. But I'm hanging in there. I'm standing in the headlights but I know it will pass and I will cross the road.

October: Bridget Jones' Baby is a hoot. The Missing is the only TV I'll stay up late for. Strictly Come Dancing is a beautiful British joy. Lady Gaga's new album is worth a listen. My favourite human on tour with one of my favourite bands is unbelievable and I'm full of love.

Yours, cold,

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