Sunday, 2 October 2016
A saved note on my iPhone from earlier this week:
Weird how stepping on the wrong train and immediately stepping off just as the doors are closing is such an 'oh god i'm so embarrassed those 20 people who i'll never see again witnessed that' moment, because this city is like an entire beach and we're all faceless little grains of sand. Worse, I dropped my grey beanie and as soon as I realised, paused and looked over my shoulder in case someone would run up to me waving it in their hand and saving the day. Of course not. Worse, still, I know this self-doubt, this tiredness, this I Can Only Ever Really Relax And Function If I'm Working From Home thing will be erased by a coffee. How unoriginal!!!
Last month delivered. After a summer of change and doubt and w-a-i-t-i-n-g, I got offered two jobs in one day, finalised some cool 'content' for YouTube and my husband got a support tour he'd be dreaming of. It's funny, though, because when the thing you were waiting for actually happens, it's not the end. Nothing is final (I hope) and there always has to be some sort of forward motion.
I love forward motion, in a very literal sense. I find I'm less stressed when I'm walking or folding clothes or even going through the step-by-step process of applying makeup. On a related note, last month I decided to quit drinking caffeine on weekdays and burned through two days of withdrawal headaches to get to a point where I'm generally less anxious and more consistent with my mood/tiredness throughout the day.
Anyway, back to work. I had to readjust my life around my job. You know, I vividly remember writing an essay for my then-English teacher, now good friend, in Year 9. It was a short piece about aspirations and the future. I wrote about feeling like I had two distinct sides within me. One, a horse riding instructor with a small farm in the countryside where my ancestors have always lived. A few rescue ponies, my family nearby. The other, a savvy city girl who wore high heels to her office job and drank choco mocha frothy lattes* and was kind of unstoppable.
*Direct quote from the essay.
How different the reality is of being that girl in a blazer - hole in the sleeve which I superglued together on my second day - who takes three trains and two naps to get to a job where I wear a lanyard and attend team meetings and wake up at 6 and get home at 7. Do I sound negative? Am I being too negative? Questions I've asked myself a lot as my body and mind got used to spending so much time away from home and my husband and visiting friends this month
So here are a few mantras (can you have more than one mantra?) I'm adopting.
- Savour the little things. Making it to the station in time to catch the 17:54 instead of the 18:04. A nice interaction with a colleague. A dog on the tube.
- The first week is not prophetic. Everybody feels overwhelmed and under-qualified when they start a job, I guess. Take each day as it comes, ask questions and make detailed notes.
- Don't berate yourself for becoming someone who looks forward to the weekend and holidays. It doesn't mean you hate your job. It doesn't mean the artist within you is dead and buried. Plan some lovely things to do on your free time and find some sort of balance between looking forward and counting your life away.
- Feeling like a functioning adult seems to stem more from preparing my own lunch at home and less from knowing an Excel formula. Huh.
I am so ecstatic for how busy Bry is, and for his upcoming London show and his new single and his support tour with twenty one pilots, one of my favourite bands since I saw them last summer and cried in the rain. He is not the only person pursuing a career in entertainment in my life, and I've been celebrating the successes of other people I'm lucky enough to know.
I read The Graces by Laure Eve which I will review and upload to my channel this week. I've been watching Jane The Virgin again, as well as a record-breaking number of reality TV shows: Great British Bake Off, Hunted and Strictly Come Dancing. I saw Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children last night and really enjoyed it! I also watched a wonderful Ted Talk about conquering anxiety that I'd highly recommend.
I guess that's about it. I kicked off October by going to a cat rescue centre on my own and getting some laundry done. I like October, it feels like there's still enough time to get stuff done and the darkness hasn't been around for long enough to feel like it's never going away.
Yours, nearing my bedtime,